Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Overcoming Divorce

How do you get over divorce?

I don't believe you really "get over" divorce. Like everything in life, time heals and you begin to move on. You learn how to build yourself anew. That has been the past year of my life: building it new -- but only with God's love and grace.

It was one year ago when I saw my father for the first time in a good number of years. Life had been unkind and taken its toll on my body. I was newly separated, depressed, and severely underweight. I couldn't stop getting sick, and I was growing weary of it, physically, mentally and emotionally. I was caring for three children on my own, all who didn't understand. They acted out, I banished myself to another room to release tears that were impossible to hold back. I smoked a pack a day to check out, kill time. Self-destruction held no regard. I later learned that after my brief visit with my dad, he called my mother and wept on the phone to her. The sight of how frail and sunken I was broke his heart.

People often made remarks about a what a strong person I was, saying I was a better woman than they, and so forth, although I didn't feel it most times. People asked how I did it, and always my answer was the same: 

By the grace of God. 

The fact was, I could not do it on my own. On my own, I crumbled. I grew bitter. Resentful. Hateful and angry. My sole desire was to curl into a ball and pray life would stop existing. But God was so kind to me. He took pity on me. He allowed my world to crumble beneath my feet so that I may be brought to my knees and be humbled.

It has been a heart-wrenching year. It has been a happy year. It has been a year full of trials and tribulations. It has been a year in which I learned how wicked and deceitful my own heart could be. It has been a year in which I realized how meek and humble it ought to be. 

I have learned to love and forgive. I have learned to stand on my own two feet. I have learned to praise God for all that I hold dear. For His grace is sufficient!

One year ago August 29, I loaded what I could of my belongings into a 5x8 trailer, hitched to the back of my SUV, and departed Colorado. In the pitch black of early morning, I watched my home vanish from sight through the rear view mirror. Let me tell you, this is why I say you never really "get over" divorce. I had a month to pack and cope and come to terms with everything. But with each passing mile, I got angrier and angrier. I grew more terrified. How was I going to make it on my own? How was I going to provide for three children by myself? Could I survive? I doubted whether or not God's grace was sufficient. I held onto this doubt for many months, and, once again, in December of last year, God let it all blow up in my face, brought me to my knees, yet again, and showed me, Yes, His Grace is Sufficient!

I cannot say exactly what brought me to North Carolina, other than faith. Faith that I was not strong enough to do everything on my own. Faith that God would carry the burden for me. Faith that I was hearing God right when He told me to pack up my children (a second time in so many months) and move them somewhere we've never been. But here we are, nestled deep in the mountains, and we're loving it! God knew this was where we needed to be. He knew this place would bring us peace and joy. He knew I would be able to provide for my kids. And He knew the people who already lived here, whose lives I would come to affect. It's amazing how God knows all our lives, all our circumstances, and can bring us together to change each others lives for the good.

It is with a tearful smile I can say I've gained over 15 pounds back, I rarely get sick, I stopped smoking, for their is no need for me to check out anymore, and I am happy. I can also proudly say that recently I updated my Facebook profile photo and received a delighted call from my dad how good I was looking these days.

So for those who may wonder "How Do You Get Over Divorce?" My answer is, you don't. You get through it. One day at a time, with each breath, clinging to the grace of God for dear life.

All my love today!
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